I can’t sleep again. It has been one year since my dad was bed ridden, and one year since I watched his life leave out his eyes. It has been one year since he went blind as his body shut down, and one year since those blue eyes searched for anything but the darkness of death. It has been one year since I last felt his heat leave his body, and the essence of my father blew away like a faint shadow on a lake. And only one year since the lasting pain of death has touched me.
For those of you who has never had to give something up, or had something (one) of meaning taken from you, a year can go by and you wont remember what was lost. You wont have a thousand photo’s in your memories of what was lost, and you wont have millions of gifs and videos lodged inside your head playing on repeat in the background until you are so tired, and so exhausted that you can no more will to block it out and you are left alone with just you and those memories. If you have never lost a family member, you wont understand how looking in a mirror can make you twitch a little on the inside because you look like that. A mirror, where all the compliments and quips made about how you are family and resemblances come crawling back into memory, if not for a moment to put a hiccup in your day.
A year ago I promised to let more people in. Love more, learn more, live more (you know, follow the advice/notes on my twitter), and ultimately laugh more. Today, I sort of broke down and told a co-worker my life history of all the bad in my life from the past 6 years. Since 9:40 pm tonight I have regretted letting this person into my life. I fear that I have scared him off, or changed how he views me, and ultimately screws up our friendship (?) or at the very least our mesh while working. I fear that I am not a good friend, or a good person, and that my personal standards are too high. I have been hurt before friends and family when they tell me I don’t need to worry about them leaving or hurting me. Everyone isn’t that kind of person, until you are. You never mean to hurt someone, you never intentionally leave a friend behind, not while you are growing up at least. But a lot of my growing up seems to have left me keeping people at arms length.
Maybe this new friend of mine will help me over come the reasons why I fear, or maybe like my past, I will push him away, or he will simply walk away.
One more sleep. One more year.
robots who are really bad at math and when people are like “shouldnt you be good at math since you’re a computer” and the robot is just like “shouldnt you be an expert in biology since you’re made of cells”
I can’t wait till AI tech reaches the point of sass.